Prayer Request

Friends and Family:

Pictures and story are being shared with Mom’s permission.

https://www.instagram.com/juliavalean/

God has placed it on my heart to pray for this sweet baby girl named Evy.  I don’t know her personally, but I’ve been following her story on Instagram for some time. Her Mama’s testimony and faith in Him during this time has inspired me beyond comprehension.

Her Mama recently shared on 1/29/19:

“Thank you to everyone who has been praying for Evy. Today didn’t go as we planned, and her scans showed that the cancer has spread to the spine. There is no further treatment we can do, and she will be going home on hospice tonight. Doctors are estimating she has a few more weeks. We want to keep her pain free and comfortable, and as always, we are hoping and praying for a miracle. Please pray for strength for our entire family to endure what is to come.”  #evystrong

Please feel free to share Evy’s story, invite others to fast and/or pray, and continue to circle Evy in bold prayers for complete and miraculous healing 🙏🏼. There is so much power in prayer, and lets not forget that God is the ultimate Doctor. Let’s give Him a space to perform a miracle for the whole world to see!

Understandably, both parents have left their jobs to be at home with their baby girl during this devastating time. If you feel compelled to help, please do so by praying for God’s healing and strength.

You can learn more about her story by following her Mama on Instagram @JuliaValean.

If God has placed it on your heart, as He did mine, to help in other ways, you can check out an auction taking place on Instagram @auctionforevy. All proceeds from the auction will go to the family.

“For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” – Matthew 18:20 KJV

Thank you for praying for Evy.

~Christina

Memo to ALL Parents, Soon-to-be Parents and the Children Who Love Them

Caregiver Lair

Dear Reader,

Let’s talk about the open secret that we all know and don’t talk about.

We will ALL die—no exceptions.

Many have said “Death is one appointment we will all keep;” so for all those who believe this to be true, this letter is addressed to you.  For those that will be pursuing the Cryonics route, please bypass this memo and return to your regularly scheduled programming.

As we speak, my mother is in ICU. Although, she is still conscious, she is virtually unable to communicate due to being on a breathing machine.  Furthermore, her pulmonologists and primary care doctor have recently explained that it is not likely she will be coming off that breathing machine and her health is expected to further decline.

You can imagine that this is hard-hitting news.  As much as I smile, meditate, think happy thoughts and pray; there’s also times that I cry spontaneously in…

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One year later

Exactly one year ago I fell asleep on the couch and jolted awake at the most awful feeling that had dawned on my soul in the most insidious manner.
Little did I know I would be an unwilling participant in the deliverance of my dead daughter. To be an unwilling participant to the grief and despair to follow every single second since that day has passed.

I vividly remember knowing on 6/19 that your beautiful soul had left my body. I remember people telling me I was crazy and that you did not die.
I remember sitting in the hospital room and hearing the sound of my placenta effortlessly pumping life into your lifeless body. I remember the denial on the nurses face when she realized she was not going to find a heartbeat. She couldn’t even mouth the words.
I remember feeling like there was no way I was going to make it out of that hospital alive.

I remembering delivering you naturally because there was no worse pain than what I already felt. I remember watching, with no filter, you being delivered breech. And then before I knew it the nurse wheeling your cold body away.

I miss you to death.

I will also never forget what God has done for me. He has tirelessly shown me mercy. He has shown me love and comfort in ways that will make me never question His existence. He has continued to bless me, despite the fact that I am completely undeserving. He has put people in my life to do what He was physically unable.

I am so blessed.

I’m so appreciative that you all have mailed me cards and gifts ALL WEEK LONG. You’ll never know what that meant to me.
You have encouraged me to preserve and have hope.
You have inspired me.
You have strengthened me.
You have showed me the true definition of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
I will never forget what you have done for me. Never.

Thank you for remembering Gracie.

Christina

Missing you

In a little bit more than 3 months it will be one year that Gracie has passed away.

This last year has been one hell of a ride.

And I feel like I’m constantly living in a paradox…

But this is where reality lives. In the epicenter of the paradox. Right at the meeting point of love and loss and life and leaving and beginnings and grief and joy. In the sweet, sticky spill of that rough slice and in the invisible moments when the heart is stitched together again.

 

 

A new year

The new year is here, finally.

I have been so excited for 2015 to end for obvious reasons, but it’s really a bittersweet feeling.

Even though I have started to “live” again, I am still feeling an intense amount of pain daily; it’s so intense that you can physically feel it.

I pray that 2016 brings peace
I pray 2016 brings comfort.
I pray 2016 brings more depth to the things and people I love.
I pray 2016 brings a surprise.
I pray 2016 is healthy.
I pray 2016 is happy.

Merry Christmas in Heaven!

First and foremost….

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, Jesus!!!!

Whenever I am grieving the loss of Gracie I find myself feeling like God doesn’t understand my pain.

Today, I am reminded that He does understand. God sacrificed His son. He lost His son just like I lost my daughter; He does understand!

And it is with this sacrifice that I will be able to be reunited with my angel in heaven.

Today, more than ever before, I’m so thankful for this day in history.

²¹ She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,^[a]because he will save his people from their sins.” – Matthew 1:21New International Version (NIV)

14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.  -John 14:1King James Version (KJV)

¹⁸ The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. – Psalm 34:18 King James Version (KJV)

Merry Christmas in Heaven, Gracie!

 

Feeling okay.

Recently, I’ve been feeling really good. Somehow, I went from severely depressed to snapping myself out of the dark and lonely sorrow pit.

I think it’s time to move forward. It doesn’t mean I will forget, not have really sad days, etc., but I can’t live in that place any longer.

There are definitely weird triggers that make me miss Gracie. I’m sick with a 24 hour stomach bug (non stop vomiting) and it sounds weird, but it makes me miss her. Pain reminds me of the pain I went through in losing her, I guess.

Things are good and there is some exciting news coming. I cant wait to share my testimony with everyone, while bringing glory to God.

Sorrow

Sorrow lasts through this night
I’ll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that’s smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

~Flyleaf/Sorrow

I will never forget.

I will never forget the worst day of my life.

I will never forget the agony of knowing Gracie died inside of me, before it was even confirmed.

I will never forget the hope in the triage nurses eyes as she desperately looked for Gracie’s heart rate at the hospital.

I will never forget the sound of silence in my womb and the pulsating sound of my placenta still trying to flow life into my deceased baby.

I will never forget the loud silence in the room when the ultrasound technicians did an ultrasound on me; they never even verbally told me she died.

I will never forget the look in my mother’s eyes when she came to the hospital to be there with me.

I will never forget the gentle soul who came in, held my feet, and genuinely prayed for me.

I will never forget the pain of the contractions and how each one of them signified my life ending.

I will never forget the feeling of my dead child’s body moving down my birth canal.

I will never forget the 20+ minutes that Gracie’s head was stuck inside of me while I watched her lifeless legs float in my amniotic sac.

I will never forget the comfort the nurse tried to give me while the doctor completely ignored the entire situation and didn’t even come to assess me.

I will never forget the moment that my body finally dialted enough to push her through and the horror and fear I felt about having to meet her.

I will never forget the moment I saw Gracie and immediately died; no longer connected to the person I had become over the last 29 years.

I will never forget the look in Keith’s eyes as he saw me fall apart and die in front of him.

I will never forget the fear of holding Gracie and the regret I now have for not holding her the entire 10 hours.

I will never forget the cold feeling of her hands and toes.

I will never forget the moment Keith and I said goodbye and the nurse wheeled her out of the room.

I will never forget.

Gracie Ella Garcia 

January 2015-June 19th 2015